▶ Your Answer :
People’s intellectual, social and personal development is highly is important by older adults is highly influenced by adults. With this understanding, I believe that it is important getting advice from older adults for two reasons for two following subsequent reasons. to get advice from older adults for the following two subsequent reasons.
First, getting advice older adults can students to relieve stress can relive stress. Understanding, the daily environment of students and the potential role of getting advise is necessary to substantiate this view (어떤 부분에 있어서 입증을 하는 지를 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). Every morning, students have to patiently sit through traffic to get to school. Once, they are at school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and wears down. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, they have to talk with older. They can give a valuable advice acquired from their experiences about school life or life. I think is better to getting advice from older adults more than peers.
Second, to get advice from older adults can students to enjoy a better quality of life people can have a better quality of life. In response to the increase of role, the expert opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that getting advice from older enables students to strengthen relationships with older. Also, They can be mature. For example, to get advice from older to the advice from elders provides meaningful opportunities to connect with mature people. Essentially, getting advice form older adults promotes activities that encourage students to openly interact with mature people (너무 반복되는 표현 입니다). Such intercommunication builds up platform not only to express one’s own disposition but also to absorb the perspective of older, allowing students to become more socially aware and ultimately enjoy a better quality of life. As for me, When I get in a problem, I should talk to older adults, it can be the parents or teachers because they might help or give us some advices to get through the problem or difficulties when I confront with problem I asked older people to give advice which can solve the ultimate problem. Also, they have diversity more experiences better than my peers.
Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reason I have mentioned above.
점수: 22 일단 각 단락들이 어떤 부분에 있어서 여러 이유들을 입증을 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 전체적으로 설득력 있게 자신의 주장을 잘 입증하지 못하는 것 같습니다. 또한 너무 반복되는 표현이 많은 거 같습니다. 마지막으로 너무 설명이 장황하다 보니 설명 자체가 정리가 되어있지 않다라는 느낌이 많이 듭니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 정보를 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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