▶ Your Answer : Some people think the majority of business owners are driven solely by the pursuit of wealth. However, I believe that the majority of business owners are not driven solely by the pursuit of wealth. This is because the majority of business owners can get less stress and enjoy a better quality of life by not driving solely by the pursuit of wealth. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다) First, the majority of business owners can get less stress by not driving solely by the pursuit of wealth. Understanding the daily environment of business owners and the potential role of pursuit of wealth is necessary to substantiate this view (어떤 부분에 있어서 입증할 수 있는 지를 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다) . Every day, business owners are at work, they have to endure countless document and continue to read more even at home. Such the ensuing routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. As a way to manage stress, they can not be driven solely by the pursuit of wealth and join activities or sleep more. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from work. Second, the majority of business owners can enjoy a better quality of life by not driving solely by the pursuit of wealth. In response to daily life of owners, many expert opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that business owners can build relationships with new people (전문가의 의견이 무엇이 있는 지를 설명을 해주셔야 할 거 같습니다) . For example, to be not driven solely by pursuit provides meaningful opportunities that encourage for owners to interact with new people. They can join activities such as playing soccer or basketball. Essentially, getting involved in activities promotes activities that encourage for owners to connect with new people. Such intercommunication builds a platform not only to mingle with each other but also to create lasting memories, allowing people to become more socially aware and ultimately enjoy better quality of life.
To sum up, I believe that the majority of business owners are not driven solely by the pursuit of wealth for following two reasons: to get less stress and enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 이유에 대한 설명이 많이 부족한 거 같습니다. 입증한다고 하고 전문가의 의견이 무엇인지에 대하여서 말한다고는 하지만 명확하게 어떠한 의견이 있는 지를 잘 설명을 못하고 있는 거 같습니다. 또한 좀 더 명확하게 어떠한 부분에 있어서 부에 경영자들은 따르지 않는다는 것을 구체적으로 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |