■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :Today’s parents are too busy to care about their children. Should
parents leave their children at childcare center or individual care givers? |
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▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly,
childhood plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the
places where they work or play. Some people think it is a good idea that busy
parents leave their children to individual caregivers, while others do not.
Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked
to choose one, I would say that parents should leave their children at
childcare center. There are reasons as follows. To begin
with, taking care of children at childcare center can
contribute to developing their characteristics for success in the future. When children
stay and play with other kids (단수/복수) at childcare center, they can learn how to mingle
with others and cooperate, an important skill in our lives. These traits make it possible for them to easily communicate with people and bring a better result in their
lives.
For
example, when I was seven (아라비아 숫자를 사용하지 말아주세요) years old, as my parents were busy,
the caregivers took care of me. I felt bored because I spent almost the entire day with my caregiver who played with me on similar activities every day.
Besides, as I could not (줄임말 사용을 지양해주세요) go out outside and only play at home, I didn’t have any
friends. However, my parents decided
to leave me to the local childcare center since my caregivers quit her job. There
were (시제: 과거 시제) many friends at the childcare center, so I could make a lot of peers. I was
able to learn about how to mingle with others and method of communication
while playing video games and talking to my friends at the childcare center. These
experiences at there made it possible to make friends and promote relationships
with others in elementary school. Thanks to these characteristics such as
cooperation and sociability, I can have advantages in personal networking,
information, and getting a good job through mingling well and smooth (올바른 품사) conversation with other people.
If I was taken care of by individual caregivers, I
would not have been able to mingle with others and have good results in my
life. |
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1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. 토플 에세이의 기본적인 구성은 서론 - 본론 1 - 본론 2 - 결론입니다.
그런데 지금 본론 2가 빠져있는 것을 확인하실 수 있습니다.
다른 reason 하나를 더 써주시면 구조상으로 더 보기 좋은 에세이가 될 듯합니다.
지금 나와있는 퍼스널 예시 분량을 줄이시고 이유 하나를 더 쓰시는 게 더 좋을 것 같습니다.