▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that the most important
characteristic is honesty, intelligence or a sense of humor to in order to succeed in this
world. In my opinion, however, I think that relationship with others is the
most essential factor to have successful life in this society.
First
of all, having good relationship can make people remove their stress such as
chatting with friends and taking some problems to a person who you rely on.
Having an outlet of stress has meaning itself since it helps people to gain one’s
energy and find strengthen strength to go on. People nowadays have stress not only physically
but also mentally. It (it이 뭔지 구체적으로 설명이 필요해보입니다) will help people to get back on track after having
relationship with others. For instance, my friend, named Jane, always calls me
when she stressed out about with her works. She is just chatting just chatted with me for 1-2
hours on phone, and she feels better and me either. It helps us to relieve stress
when we have bad day.
Second,
well-built relationship can help people to be succeeded. There is saying “Who
you know, not what you do, makes you succeed.” The meaning of succeed completely
changed compared in comparison to the past. If it was just focusing focused on one’s own ability
and excelling others, now it is different. Along with your one's own ability, it is
important that having people who can land your hand when you are one hand when someone is in trouble. Here
is some example of this. When I was looking for a job after graduate graduating the
university, I had a hard time because I cannot find my fit job. One day, the
professor New who is my favorite teacher called me and asked about my recent
day. I told him honestly about my problem. After then, he introduced me an internship
in an advertisement company, thus I went there and worked 6 months. It was a
great time, and I am a worker of that company. I could be here because I knew
Mr. New and he is my favorite professor in my university.
To
sum up, I think the most crucial characteristic is having relationship with
other people that a person can have to be successful in life. It can be the outlet
of stress and it will make people succeed since other people can help you when
you are having a hard time. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 하나에 너무나 많은 정보들이 들어간 거 같습니다. 두 번째 바디는 잘 서술하였습니다. 구체적인 설명과 예시들이 전반적인 이유를 잘 표현 하고 있습니다. 하지만 문제가 된다라고 생각하는 부분은 첫 번째 부분입니다, 첫 번재 부분에 있어서는 구체적인 설명이 필요해보입니다. 구체적인 설명이 필요 한 거 뿐만 아니라 전반적으로 문법적 오류들이 잇습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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