▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that fun activities or pleasant weather is the most important part for ideal trip. However, in my opinion, good friends are the most important factor for the trip because it is more memorable and I can rely on my friends in unfamiliar circumstances. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, traveling with good friends is more memorable than anything else. Every important remembrances of someone are related with 'person' is correlated with friend. For instance, when I see the photos of my childhood, I am lost in memories not only about myself at that time, but also about people who are in that photo. When I see my father in the photo, I remember about other good memories of my father at that time, and by comparing to my father right now I can feel another deep emotions for him.
On top of that, traveling with good friends allows to rely on each other in an unfamiliar circumstances. Unlike in the home country, it is quite difficult to travel in a foreign country. Everything is different from hometown including things like language, culture and transportation. To be specific, if you need to take a subway, you have to know where the subway station is situated and how to pay for it people need to take a subway, they have to know where the subway station is (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다). It might seem to be a trivial matter, but it will definitely be helpful to have a friend aside of you because it means that you can obtain two times more information than by yourself.
To sum up, by going to the trip with friends, it is possible to make more valuable memories. In addition, friends will help you to adapt faster to new environments of foreign countries. In this regard, I believe that traveling with friends is the most important part for the trip.
점수: 23 일단 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. you가 서술되다 보면 에세이가 구어체가 될 확률이 높아지기 때문에 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 각 단락들을 보았을 때 내용이 많이 빈약한 거 같습니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 보여줄 수 있도록 명확하게 이유들을 구체화 시키길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
글자 수는 이정도면 되나요? 독립형 에세이에 'you'는 써도 괜찮나요? 기타 지적할 부분 지적해주세요 ㅠㅠ 감사합니다
|