▶ Your Answer : It is of great worth to discuss whether or not Government government (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다) should invest more money on building new architectures than preserving traditional buildings.While some people might agree with this statement, other might disagree with it. However, as far as I am concerned, I disagree with the notion because of number of infants are decreasing, so lots of house is left, and recovering old houses is hard with today's technology for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 설명할 필요가 없습니다)
First of all, Today's lots of house doesn't have resident lots of house does not have residence (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). Brand new architecture is useless and waste of tax money, and it would be purchased by riches. In my country, Korea, more than 75% of rich have more than 3 houses, and among them have 10 houses has more than three houses (rich는 단수 주어고 에세이에서는 숫자를 서술하는 것 보다 영어 표기가 더 적절합니다). They has earning earn money by house rental. Building more architecture may be inflame enlarge the gap between rich and poor. Accordingly, government should not build more new buildings.
Second, Since Some old architecture can not be fixed by today's technology, preserving old buildings are important.preserving the old building is important (이유는 항상 간결하게) For example, Korean historic architecture, sung-rye-moon was flamed by someone. Government wanted to repair them perfectly, but it was impossible because there were not engineer who can repair past building as it had lack of engineer to fix the traditional building. As a result, our county missed precious national heritage forever.
To summarize, I strongly agree that government should preserving preserve (should뒤는 동사 원형 입니다) old buildings and do not building new one as possible with reasons mentioned above
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이에서의 크게 나타나고 있는 문제점은 각 단락들의 내용이 너무 빈약합니다. 지금 이 에세이는 내용에 중점을 두는 것 보다는 인트로에 더 많은 비중을 두는 거 같습니다. 전체적으로 단락들이 설명이 부족하기 때문에 이 단락들을 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어려웠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 단락들을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |