▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that teachers' income ought to be corresponded with their students' academic outcomes. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the following subsequent reasons.
To begin with, students would be adversely affected in most of aspects except study. What this means is that if If (what this~같은 표현은 적절치 않습니다) teachers' earnings were given by how their students performed, teachers would only focus on the exam results. They would be likely to ignore crucial elements students should had to learn at that time, such as humanity, cooperation, sociablity learn such as humanity, cooperation and sociability (should뒤에는 동사 원형이 나와야 합니다). For example, a survey was conducted by the Korea Education Association with 1,000 citizens as respondents. The purpose of it was to understand the consensus view about the way to measure the teachers' income. The majority had responded that they should not be measured by their students' exam results. The overwhelming 88% had claimed that teachers worked only for the earning, which would make them neglect significant education of other parts young students should know. This poll shows that people have a negative opinion about paying teachers according to their children' academic abilities.
On top of that, it would rather decrease the students' studying abilities. To be specific, when teachers' earnings is fixed relatively by the students' exam results, they are likely to be enthusiastic to make their students only do nothing but study students are only allowed to study. Thus, students would lose interests about studying, which made them rather not study. For instance, I will talk about my experience to illustrate this point. When I was in middle school I was only to sit and study for all day, since the school had policies that paying teachers by their classes' average degree to pay teacher according to the grade. I felt chocked by my teacher making me not break even for a very short time, and it made me not focus on studying shocked without break time so that I could not concentrate. However, when I became a high school students I was not forced to sit and study for all day, since the high school had no policy like the middle school's. I became to feel free and can make my study plan on my own. After a few hours of studying, I enjoyed playing football games with my friends, which made me concentrate on studying more than before. From this experience, I realized that a policy that paying teachers by students' grades would spoil students' learning abilities.
To sum up, if teachers' income were provided by students' outcomes, students would not learn anything important what they should do learn at that time and rather lose interests about studying. In this regard, I firmly believe that students' outputs ought not to be the criterion of teachers' revenues.
점수: 22 일단 철자적 오류들이 많습니다. 이러한 철자적 오류들이 생기는 가장 큰 결정적이유는 에세이를 서술하고 난 후에 검정을 하지 않아서 생기는 거 같습니다. 에세이를 서술하고 난 후 검정을 하게 되면 본인이 어느 부분에서 오류가 생겼는지를 알 수 있기 때문에 꼭 해주시길 바랍니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 많으니 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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