▶ Your Answer :
These days, we can do many activities without searching a lot. And there There (문장 시작 부분에는 and는 적합하지 않습니다) are some arguments whether we need to participate in these things (these things의 대상이 무엇인가요? 대상이 모호합니다). Some people says that we don’t have to do what we don’t enjoy say that we do not have to do what we do not enjoy (people은 복수 주어이고 독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). However, I think if you do them spontaneously, it will be beneficial for you. So I agree with the idea that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing. There are two reasons why I think like this. First, we can do a large amount of experiences. Second, We can learn a variety of knowledge. it is better for people to do something that they do not enjoy for the following two subsequent reasons (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. 또한 밑에서 이유들을 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, doing many things can make you experience a wide range of working can allow people to experience a wide range of working. To be specific, experience is important for contemporary people. Think people who have only textbook knowledge. When they are in trouble, they might not treat them easily. Also, companies prefer people with wider experiences to people without them. For instance, I will talk about my older-sister to elucidate my point. She lived very busy when she was student in university. She always went outside of home, and came back at late time. She did various volunteering work and part-time job at that time. Conclusively, this busy life became very big advantage of her. She was good at everything, so when she tried to get a job, a lot of companies wanted to hire her. Finally, she became a winner comparing her friends.
On top of that, doing various things including reading books or engaging in studying club can be a good way of broadening knowledge to broad knowledge. To explain, in a current world, companies want people who have a wide various of knowledge rather than people with deep knowledge of one specific field. A person with diverse knowledge is regarded as ‘a person of intellect’ while others who lack knowledge are simply ignored. This is why learning Learning various range should not be overlooked. For example, I will give an example of myself. I studied TOEFL exam for many months. And one specific field of TOEFL is ‘Listening.’ The name of this part is Listing, but it depends on a wide range of background knowledge. If you don’t know well about Economy or Biology, you might not get a higher record than others who know about those areas. For these reasons, I regretted a lot about not studying various spectrum when I was young.
In sum up, it can be a wider experience. Moreover, it gives you lots of knowledge. In this regard, I firmly believe that people should do what they don’t enjoy doing for the reasons I mentioned above.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 것은 전체적으로 설명들이 모호하고 구체적이지 않습니다. 설명 자체가 구체적이지 않으니 에세이를 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 또한 주제를 벗어났습니다. 각 이유들이 주제를 벗어났기 때문에 항상 이유를 선정할 때 주제를 좀 더 숙지를 하시고 난 후에 선정하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |