▶ Your Answer :There might be some people who believe that having ambitious goals in life is better than having realistic aspirations. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for several reasons. First, having ambitious goals can be very stressful. Second, people who are struggling struggle with realistic aspirations are more productive. First of all, by pursuing ambitious aspirations, people are becoming more stressful, which make them give up easily people become more stressful leading to higher possibility of giving up. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I was college student, I did part-time job at a demanding company because I wanted to be a business woman later. At first, it was good to experience company and earn money. However, as time went by, I became so busy that I could not focus on my college studies because I became so tired. As a result, my grades had dropped and my work efficiency had fallen also. I finally quit job due to I could not endure stress as i could not endure the stress. If I was concentrated concentrated on studying with realistic aspirations that time, I had must gotten better grades. Moreover, people put more effort when a goal looks reachable. However, people have a tendency to become lazy and getting get bored with ambitious goals. According to a survey done by JYP institute of sociality, people with realistic purpose have more than 20% of productivity than people who are chasing ambitious purpose. This shows that realistic aspirations make people more productive. In conclusion, having ambitious goals not only can be very stressful but also, can be less productive. In this regard, I personally believe that having realistic aspirations are better than having ambitious goals.' Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 이 에세이의 문제점은 명확한 구체적인 설명이 부족합니다. 각 바디의 설명들이 빈약하다고 느껴집니다. 구체적으로 설명하고는 있는데 핵심내용이 빠져있다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 본인의 생각이 무엇인지를 전달하는 것 이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 두 번째 바디가 너무 짧습니다. 너무 짧기 때문에 정확하게 무슨말을 하려고 하는 건지 잘 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 elaborate하는게 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |