▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that university fund
should be used to support student’s social activity like group or competition
hosted by company. However, in my opinion, the budget allocated to help student
should be used in purpose of aiding as many students as possible. Thus I think
it is better to be used in upgrading school food.
To begin with, student who are interested
in social activities are less than the number of people who worried their
allowance to eat does not suffer from social activities but from allowance to eat (student는 단수 주어 입니다). In terms of university should pursue maximum happiness of
maximum number of student, many people will agree to the statement that it is
reasonable maximizing students' overall happiness, university should aid as many students as possible. For example, there are lots of friends I have who major in
economics and administration. Almost of them goes go (almost는 복수 주어 입니다) to outside the university and
upgrade their ability to get more comfortable jobs after graduation. Compared
to them In comparison to them, friends of mine who major in engineering usually do their homework and
concentrate more on their study. For the reason they do not have to prepare a
lots of social activity to enter the company they want. However, they both eat
school food because it is convenient and cheap for undergraduate students.
On the top of that, investing on social
activity can make the problem related to gap between rich and poor severe enlarge the gap between poor and rich.
Student who can participate other activity already have more allowance then others
according to the research in Korea. So helping them can be interpreted as
ignoring who needs really help to make up their lives in university. For
instance, my friend often goes to the Gangnam station and have has (student는 단수 주어 입니다) a dinner with
other friends to attend social activity I already mentioned. In contrast,
another friends of mine always eat school food only it is affordable.
To sum up, I think university have to
consider who are concerned with their campus life, rather than others when
spending money, so I think they should invest to school food problem rather
social activity.
점수: 21 일단 각 단락들이 서로 문제를 가진 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 전체적으로 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에서는 내용이 너무 빈약합니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 마지막으로는 공통적인 부분으로는 단수 복수 주어에 따른 올바른 동사 형태를 사용하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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