▶ Your Answer : Some people think that individual caregivers should play care for children rather than childcare center. take care of children However, in my opinion, leaving children at childcare center could significantly influence on people’s life. With this understanding, I strongly believe that children should be careful at children center following subsequent reasons Therefore it is better for children to be taken care of by the child center for the following two subsequent reasons. . To begin with, tending children at leaving carecenter allows children to improve their sense of responsibility children can enhance their sense of responsibility. The child center requires many obligations such as managing time, abiding by rules, and respecting others. When such obligation are fulfilled, they are likely to realize the importance of being responsible realize the importance of responsibility. For example, my youngest brother used to be lazy and selfish. Because there were no one to control to him until his busy parents returned from their workplace, he ate when his want to played game all day As his family could not control him due to busy schedule, he became impolite. However, he had changed little by little after his parent leaned him to daycare center left him at daily child center. The day care center had one of the practices that daycare cent was not able to have a meal until everyone was together every one can only eat when all members are ready. He realized that when he kept himself time, other children had a meal also while his laziness could negatively affect everyone. Naturally, he became more prompt with time, played his part better, and even encouraged others to be more responsible. Without this center’s rule, he would still have been irresponsible. On top of that, the carecenter performs many of activities such as playing sports, and it enables children to relieve stress children can release the stress from day center. Understanding environment of children and the potential role of playing sports for fun is necessary to substantiate this view (좀 더 명확하게 이유들을 설명하시길 바랍니다). For example, every morning, children have to wake up on time to get to daycenter. Once they are at the center they are trained to keep all their lifestyle habits and to keep them at home. Especially, they enable to control themselves by leaning time management and manners about his friends. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down him. If they play sports such as soccer with together, they can forget about their daily routine and ultimately relieve their stress as a way to manage the ensuing stress.
To sum up, leaning children at carecenter make them healthier can create opportunities for oneself achievements. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have stated above.
점수: 21 일단 각 단락들이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에는 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로하여금 방해를 줍니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 명시하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이유에 대한 설명이 많이 빈약합니다. 바로 예시로 넘어가는 것 보다는 구체적으로 이유를 더 풀어나가시길 바랍니다. 또한 예시가 주제를 벗었낫습니다. 주의하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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