▶ Your Answer :For most adults, money can play important roles in their lives. As far as I'm concerned, some people may say that in order to become financially responsible adults, children don't need to learn about managing their own money at a young age. With that being said, I don't think so. (이렇게 끝내지 말고 full sentence로 자기 주장 적어주세요) The concept of lesson clearly illustrate problems of this. First of all, learing managing learning how to manage their money can help them (who are them) to be a responsible adults. It is evident that lessons come from failure and it can remember for a long time. Children tend to lose their things especially allowance. A really good example is my younger brother, James. My parents gave them save periodically about 100$. One day, he came to home while crying. When I asked him " why are you crying?', he said " I lost my wallet at school, and there are 50$ in the wallet. Maybe someone steal my things". My mom enocouraged him intead of scolding. After the accident, he have never lost his things. That is, he became to be a financially responsible adults. The same situation would apply the importance of lesson. In addition, I have read an interesting article from the TIME. According to the report. It is better way to experience lesson like managing money to be a fianancially responsible adults because they never again do thanks to lesson. Therefore, I firmly think that it is important to learn their own meney at a young age. 이 예시는 children이 왜 learn how to manage their money하는지에 대해 설명이 아니라 레슨은 중요하다, 에 대해서만 이야기하고 있는 듯 합니다. 약간 오프토픽입니다 Insatences of the same sort can be multiplied definitely. When taking account, facing people, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that when children learn to manege their money, they don't tend to do again, so It is good condition for financially responsible adults . Although I must admit that. I strongly belive that no one can ignore lesson when it comes to money.
문법 오류가 굉장히 많은 편입니다. 읽으면서 해석이 힘든 문장들이 꽤 있었는데, 특히 동사/명사 구분하는 것과 시제 오류들이 많이 보입니다. 그리고 spelling오류 많은데, spelling도 굉장히 중요합니다. proof reading잊지 말고 해주세요
|