▶ Your Answer :
For most people, family can
play important roles in their lives. As far as I’m concerned, some people think
that living with many family members is important until these days. However, I
think extended family is less crucial than in the past and the concepts of living cost and industry clearly
illustrate problems of this for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, living with many family members would
cost a lot. Usually, in my country, Korea, the members of extended family
consist of more than five people. Therefore, spending on each member in food,
clothes, and education would be burdensome. A really good example is one of my
friends, Brandon. He lived with eight people including him. Yes, his family was
a big extended family. He had two uncles and two
aunts and he was one of the members of among them. Everything sounded
warm until we knew this fact. The problem was that his parents were struggling
with the money to support all of their family
members. Thus, he was in a difficulty of doing what he wanted at the
time due to lack of money. What he wanted to
learn was drawing, but the economic situation of family disturbed him. Therefore, he had no choice but to work to support them
financially. This example shows that living with extended family will
cost numerous money. Thus, fewer and fewer people
live in an extended family.
A further more subtle point we must consider is
that people these days do not focus on farming Furthermore, today's people do not focus on farming. Of course, they used to
concentrate on doing farming in the old days so they needed many family members
to work together. However, it was changed totally. This is because our Our industry
has changed to a manufacturing industry from an agricultural-based industry. Because
of this trend With such trend, the number of farming people is decreasing while current people are
gathering into the city has been decreased as people moved to cities. To be specific, according to the TIME, the number of
nuclear families all over the world has been growing since 1970 as the society
entered into the manufacturing industry. Moreover, based on the thesis that I
have read, we do not need numerous people to do farming due to the advanced
technologies such as the automated machines. Because of this change, having an
extended family is becoming meaningless nowadays. These examples show that the
important of extended family is being less has become meaningless.
Instances of the same sort
can be multiplied indefinitely. When taking into account all these facts,
facing people, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that extended family
becomes less important than in the past. Although I admit that there are some
people who think that extended family is still necessary, I strongly believe
that no one can ignore the living cost and stress when it comes to family.
점수: 21 일단 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론까지 장황한 에세이인거 같습니다. 지금 이 에세이는 두 번째 단락이 문제점이 많이 보여지는 거 같습니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 어색한 표현들이 많을 뿐만 아니라 주제를 벗어났습니다. 주제가 벗어나다 보니 두 번째 단락을 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 항상 에세이를 서술할 때 주제를 잘 엮어서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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