▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, investment in eucation plays a significant role in people's daily lives. Some people think that it is more important to invest on children than on universities for development of a country while others think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that investment on universities is more important. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, investment on universities is important because it can help young people to improve their skills needed to succeed. When they are equipped with necessary skills for getting to get a job, it brings about a better result in development of a country. For example, Tokyo University research team found a huge difference between two groups of young adults. The first group consisted of those who graduated universities which have been highly invested by the government highly invested by government and the other group was made up of those who graduated universities which have not been invested. The researchers found that the former is more likey to be helpful for the is helpful regarding with the development of country. In particular, the first group showed a higher accuracy in their result and completed their project faster than the latter. As a consquence consequence, they tended to earn more money and pay higer higher taxes. This implies that investment on universities is the key to development of a country.
In addition, when the government invests more on universities, it can be helpful to the local community. This is because university students tend to participate in voluntary programs for local communities. For instance, when I lived in a small city in Korea, people in the city often felt depressed thinking that their lives became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, they spent the whole day working in their work places. Fortunately, they were able to deal with such depression after a group of university students participated in a community regeneration program. In particular, the students have been invested was granted by the government and encouraged to join the program. Without the program invested by the government, the members of the community would still have been depressed.
All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantage of investment on universities far outweighs that of investment on children for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the important of investment on universities cannot be overestimated. Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 전체적으로 아주 잘 서술하였습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분은 본인의 에세이를 통하여서 상대방을 설득 할 수 잇냐 입니다. 이러한 면에 있어서 지금 이 에세이는 매끄럽게 잘 서술된 거 같습니다. 각 바디의 예시를 통하여서 이유에 논리점을 알 수 있게 되었습니다. 다만 아쉬운 부분은 문법적 오류들이 많습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |