▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether people who do not accept criticism can be successful at their work place. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerinig concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that people who accept criticism can be successful at their work place for the following reasons. First of all, people can broaden their perspectives. To be specific, people have to accept other's criticism. which as a result This allows them to better understand other lifestyles, opinions and perspectives. As modern society is becoming has become increasingly globalized, today's companies require people with open mind. To illustrate, Steve Jobs, who is the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful because he was open-minded and cooperative. He did this by accepting other people's criticism and trying to change changed his problem (problem이 어떤 거였는지를 구체적으로 말해주는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다). Therefore, people have to admit various thoughts in order to succeed in work place. On top of that, accepting criticism helps people learn about relationships with coworkers. This is because other's criticism creates opportunities to know about their fault. As a result, it allows people to learn how to revising revise their weakness through communicationg communicating their thoughts and connecting to each other's feelings in relationships. Building relationships in this way is great to develop the increasingly important social, interpersonal, and communicating skills. Suppose that not hearing anyone's thoughts but asserting own idea. Would it be possible to build successful relationships with companions? It is highly doubtful. The best way to succeed in work place is to build relationships with other people. For example, when I worked in marketing company at first, I did not hear anyone's criticism. I often ignored coworker's thoughts and behaved on my way. After I worked at that company 3 months, I was still alone. I felt so loneliness but it was already late to build frienships friendships with other people. Finally, I quitted quit my job and went to another company. I really regretted about my selfish behavior. In conclusion, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future. Good: 24~30 점수: 27 구조적으로 잘 서술된 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분은 본인의 에세이를 통하여서 상대방을 설득할 수 잇는 가 입니다. 이러한 면에서는 지금 이 에세이가 잘 하고 있습니다. 이유는 각 바디의 예시가 이유를 잘 서포트 하고 있기 때문입니다. 하지만 문제가 된다라고 생각하는 부분은 문법적인 오류입니다. 제가 첨삭한 부분을 보시고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |