▶ Your Answer :
There is a controversial issue regarding whether students should
exercise at school every day or not. After pondering upon two possible opinions
from several aspects, I personally agree with the idea that students who study
at school need to exercising for two reasons exercise for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, physical
activities can make students have better health. They Nowadays people have sedentary lifestyle.
Therefore, they need time to move. For instance, High school students in
Republic of Korea spend their time to
studying 7am to 10pm in school in studying longer period in the school. In my case, I also studied whole day. It makes
me really tired and lose efficiency. However, I started some stretching every
morning. At first, It was hard to me to exercising every day for me to exercise every day, but at last, It
makes me healthier than before. So, I think that appropriate exercising is
benefit for students.
On the top of that, There are
some relationship in exercising and improving grades. there are correlation between exercise and grade improvement. (이유에 대한 설명을 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시고 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다) According to a research
done by Seoul National University, 78 percent of participants have agreed that
exercising regularly has connection with Improving grades. The main reason is
that activity makes concentrate easily Activities bring about more concentration. Some study of brain prove that after
exercising, the part of concentrate is activating. proves that after exercise, the part of concentration increases (study는 단수 주어 입니다) This shows that when we
exercise constantly, we can focus on study easier.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that my standpoints of the two
reasons are sufficiently convincing. The first is physical activities are
important to student’s health. The second is exercising steadily can improve
students grade. In this regard, Exercising every day is very important for the students.
점수: 24 일단 전체적인 내용면에 있어서는 자신의 주장이 잘 보여지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것은 설득력 인데 지금 이 에세이는 각 단락에서의 구체적인 예시와 적절한 설명들을 통하여서 왜 운동이 중요한지를 잘 보여줍니다. 하지만 지적할 부분이 있다면 두 번째 단락 부분에 있어서 이유에 대한 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 설명이 없는 체로 예시로 넘어 갔는데 이유를 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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