▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that It is not beneficial for teenage students to have part-time jobs. However, student’s intellectual, social, and personal development is highly influenced by doing part-time jobs. With this understanding, I believe that it is beneficial for teenage students to have part-time jobs for the following subsequent reasons.
First, doing part-time jobs enables teenage students to relieve stress. Understanding the environment of teenage students and the potential role of part-time jobs is necessary to substantiate this view (왜 이러한 설명들이 본인의 이유를 입증을 하는 지를 명확하게 서술하시길 바랍니다). For example, every morning, they students (대상이 모호하기 때문에 명확한 인칭 대명사를 서술하여야 합니다) have to patiently sit through traffic to get to school. Once they are at school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down teenage students. Moreover, there are lots of test and homework which cause stress in school. So they have no choice but to study hard for test and homework to get good grade causing a lot of stress where teenagers have to spend time on school studying. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, they can have part-time jobs.
Second, doing part-time jobs enables teenage students to enjoy a better quality of life. In response to the increasing role of part-time jobs, many experts opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that doing part-time jobs enables teenage students to broaden perspectives (그래서 전문가의 의견은 무엇인지를 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). For instance, doing part-time jobs enables teenage students to visit foreign countries to broaden perspectives. They do not know about importance of money before earning money. They can realize that earning money is hard by doing part-time jobs. And they can go to travel through money earned by themselves. Traveling to new destination mean opportunities to learn new ideas, because what is commonly accepted as the cultural, social, personal norm at home may not be the case in other cultures provides opportunities to learn new ideas as what is commonly accepted norm at home is different in other culture. Being ables to shift Shifting perspectives helps to relate better to those from different cultural values. In this regard, doing part-time jobs enables teenage students to enjoy a better quality of life.
To sum up, I believe that it is beneficial for teenage students to have part-tie jobs for following reasons: to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have stated above.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 느낀 가장 큰 점은 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 이유에 대한 설명이 명확하게 서술되지 않은체 바로 예시로 넘어가는데 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 이유에 대하여서 좀 더 명확하게 본인의 주장을 입증하시길 바랍니다. 또한 약간의 오류들이 있으니 제가 지적한 부분을 보시면서 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |