▶ Your Answer :
Both the young and the old need to take
care of their body for healthy life. But some people might say that young
people need exercise more than elderly do. However, I agree with that older people
require exercise more than the young for the following subsequent two reasons.
To begin with, the old are physically
weaker than the young old people are physically weaker. Many elderly people often undergo fall and bone fracture
but doing exercise can prevent sudden accidents like those I mentioned by
exercising. For example, the research showed this (this에 대상이 모호합니다 명확한 대상을 언급하시길 바랍니다). According to the result, the
people who exercise hurt less and heal faster than the one who does not
exercise. The reason was that the muscle strengthened and improve the balance. As
a result, the more exercise people do, the more physical health people get.
On top of that, the elderly have less
active lifestyle than the young. If people become old, their physical activity
gets low thus they need to exercise for satisfying the scarce activity mass, so
that the old could maintain their physical health thereby needing a lot of exercise to maintain physical health For instance, studies
conducted by Harvard’s Center on Aging have shown that a majority of young
people do a sufficient amount of physical activity in their lives. But, elderly
do not usually meet many physical requirements in their lives. Consequently,
the average elderly person does not perform the recommended amount of daily
physical activity
To sum up, the elderly are physically
weaker and less active than young people. In this regard, I’d say that elderly
people require exercise more than young people. For these reasons, I strongly
believe that old people need exercise more than the young do.
점수: 21 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 가장 큰 게 느낀것은 전체적으로 설명이 모호하고 반복되는 문장들이 많이 보여지는 거 같습니다. 반복되는 것도 그렇지만 불필요한 상황속에서 계속 비교를 하는 부분들이 많은데 이러한 부분들을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 전체적으로 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 문법적 오류들이 없었지만 다르 부분에서는 불필요한 비교구문이 많았습니다. 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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