▶ Your Answer : These days, importance of children’s hometown is becoming more and more greater has become greater. Many mothers want to make their children be an intelligent people or creative people become an intelligent or creative people . Therefore, the hometown has a great affect to them because it decides children’s young time effect since it decides future of children (affect는 동사입니다. 명사가 아닙니다). Some people think that it is better for children to grow up in a countryside than a big city. However, in my opinion, it is more efficient to live in a larger city than smaller one. This is because the children can do many things and enjoy a lot of cultural activities. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, kids can engage in many places. They can join to club activities, bands, and so on. And this can make them broaden their horizons of the world by experiencing many things. In rural region, kids have lots of limitations. For instance, I will give an example of my friend. I met her in university, and she was from Seoul. Whenever we do something such as dancing or swimming, she was always good at doing them. She said it is because she already did them in the past, but all of us except her were first time. This proves that living in a large city makes people more intelligent at every aspect by experiencing various things.
On top of that, children can enjoy many cultural activities. In a huge city, there are always a variety of performances while there are rare concerts in a small city. This also makes their views wider and it makes them enjoy something. For example, I will talk about my sister. When she was in high school, she always brought MP3 player. She loved classical music but she cannot go to see the real performance because our family lived in a countryside. After she graduate high school, she concluded to go university in a large city, and she says she never regret the conclusion. She feels very happy as she lives in a big city. She can go to the concert hall whenever she wants to listen their music.
In sum up, children can engage many experiences in a large city. Moreover, they can relish many cultural things, such as concert, musical, drama. In this regard, I firmly believe that children need to live in a large city for the reasons I mentioned above.
점수: 26 인트로 부분이 장황하고 정리가 덜 되었다라는 느낌 만 재외하고는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것은 설득력 입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 각 단락에서의 구체적 설명과 적절한 예시 사용은 왜 아이들이 도시에서 살아야하는 지를 구체적이고 논리정연하게 잘 풀어나가는 거 같습니다. 잘 서술하였습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |