▶ Your Answer :
Some
people argue that there are no needs to know world issues which is related
to you. However, as far as I am concerned, I firmly agree with the idea that It
is important for you to give attentions to world news. This is because the
information might help you to gain benefits someday as well as your notions can
be broaden by interacting global news. people to know world issues for the following two subsequent reasons (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다)
First and
foremost, the information from another country might relate you. other people in general In other
words, that would be helpful when you need that (이 부분에서 말하는 that을 무엇을 의미하는 것인가요?). For example, you might usually
watch a tension between the Taipei and the China in the world news. However, if
you don’t do not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) know the story and you would mistake when traveling the Taipei about
the historic tension relation with the China. Therefore, it is crucial knowing basic
information from world issues.
Moreover, you can learn life experience through watching worldwide news.
In other words, even though the news story is not impact does not impact on your life, you can grow
extensive view to watch the world. For example, if you usually reach on global
news, you have more chance to understand global economic crisis more easily and
you can explain it to your friends. Therefore, reaching on the global issues
will help you broaden your horizons.
To sum up, I strongly, believe that it is essential to know about global
issues because not only it would help you someday but also you can understand
various situation which occur in the world occurring in the world.
점수: 21 일단 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다. 또한 이 에세이에서 가장 큰 문제는 설명이 모호합니다. 첫 번째 단락에서 두 번째 단락까지 이유가 명확하게 설명하고 있지 않는 거 같습니다. 어떤 것을 의미를 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어려웠습니다. 좀 더 명확하게 이유를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 문법적 오류들이 있습니다. 제가 첨삭한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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