▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
country’s leaders’ decision plays a significant role in country’s prosperity
and success. There can be many conditions for success of the nation, but it is
hard to decide what the most important action for a country’s prosperity is. If
I have to choose one action for prosperity of a country among creating jobs for
unemployed workers, lowering food prices or providing cheaper houses, I would
say the most effective way to make a country successful is to create jobs for
unemployed workers as following reason. cheaper houses would be the best choice for the following two subsequent reasons.
When the
unemployed get a job, they can pay more taxes for government To begin with, unemployed people have to pay more taxes. By giving chances
for people to be hired, government can get a lot of money from those who was
not able to pay taxes or was not responsible for paying taxes unemployed people. So, government can
use that money to lower food prices and provide cheaper house. For this reason,
making jobs can be a fundamental solution to ensure a country’s prosperity unlike
the decrease of food prices or housing prices. For example, Singapore was just
a small and not wealthy country. However, political leader of Singapore decided
to create jobs by eradicating unnecessary regulation and allowing large finance company
to open offices without limit. After this change, a large number of company
started to open their branches in Singapore. Many unemployed workers in
Singapore was hired by good company and they made a lot of money. As a result,
they pay a huge amount of taxes and Singapore was able to use that money to
install the infrastructure and build good buildings and school. As we know, Singapore
is the one of the wealthiest country in the world in these days.
In short, I
strongly believe that the advantages of making jobs far outweigh those of all
the other options such as lowering food prices and providing cheaper houses,
for the reason I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of creating
jobs for the unemployment cannot be overestimated in public decision.
점수: 22 일단 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 합니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요하게 보는 것 중에 하나는 간결함과 설득력 입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에 있어서는 설득력 부분에서 많이 부족합니다. 한 이유만 서술하려고 하니 개연성이 떨어진다라는 느낌이 많이 듭니다. 또한 너무 예시에 중점을 두다보니 전체적으로 이 단락을 통해서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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