▶ Your Answer : I agree with the idea that children can improve their responsibility by caring for a pet. There are two reasons why I thinks this way. One is children can increase their social skills and the other is they can also think how the pet is precious in their life. for the following two subsequent reasons (인트로에 적절하지 않는 거 같습니다. 자신의 의견만 제시하는 것이 아니라 훅과 상대방 의견 또한 중요합니다) To begin with, raising a pet can improve social skills to improves social skills for children. For example, when I was a child, I took a walk with my pet. During that time, I taught to dog not to bark to the others. Also, I had to clean the park when the pet put feces. I made a lot of friends during the walk. These all bought me up good social skills (너무 이야기 흐름에 있어서 중간 내용 없이 개연성없이 서술한 거 같습니다). On top of that, while caring for a pet, a child can think about how the pet is valuable. Most people who have a pet think that their pet is not just an animal. They feel that the pet is one of their families. For To be specific, when I was in elementary school, one of my friends told me that she have has a 4 member of family. The family consisted of her father, mother, her, and a pet. Now that, I taught a pet is very precious in our lives. For these reasons, caring for a pet is the most well-known way for a child to increase responsibility. In this regard, I firmly agree with the statement.
점수: 20 부족함이 많이 보이는 독립형 에세이입니다. 일단 첫 번째는 인트로가 적절하지 않습니다. 인트로 구조를 좀 더 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 첫 번째 단락 예시를 보면 개연성이 많이 부족합니다. 중간의 맥락없이 너무 갑작스런 흐름을 가지고 에세이를 서술한 거 같습니다. 또한 전체적으로 각 단락들의 내용이 많이 빈약합니다. 내용이 빈약하다 보니 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |