▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, playing sports plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that children should play sports for fun not for competition or contests, while others do not. think differently Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that children have to do physical exercise. There are several reasons as follows. for fun for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, when children play sports for fun, they can learn how to mingle with people from different backgrounds children learn how to mingle with other people. It provides a friendly atmosphere where they mix with people they would not ordinarily meet. Such an atmosphere is likely to help helps them to acknowledge that different values exist, to understand this diversity, and to ultimately be comfortable with it the importance of cultural difference. For example, when I was eight years old, I saw one of my classmates from Ethiopia eating his meal with bare hands. I felt very uncomfortable by his behavior because it was my first time seeing someone like that. I kept my distance from him and sometimes made fun of him. However, after spending my weekends with some of my African friends in my sports club, I got used to this cultural difference. I realized that we just had different eating styles. In fact, we had a lot in common in a way that we all cared about our family and friends, were committed to relationships, and got easily hurt by what others say. I no longer feel awkward and can make friends with them (예시가 주제를 벗어났습니다). In addition, playing sports for fun can help people improve their work performance. Playing sports for fun enables them to relax and recharge their batteries after a long day at work. When people are recharged, they are likely to have more energy to put into working and being active could have more energy. For example, my youngest brother did poorly in high school. He got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. However, he has changed little by little gradually after spending an hour playing baseball in a club activity after school. He realized that playing baseball helped him recharge his battery and refocus on his schoolwork, while studying without break could negatively affect his concentration. He started to maintain a good behavior by raising his grades in school. He showed characteristics of a longer attention span, a stronger passion in his tasks, and a better ability to delay gratification. He was able to excel all throughout high school and received straight A`s in his classes. Without refreshing himself, he would have fallen behind. All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of playing sports for fun far outweigh those of playing sports for competition for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of playing sports for fun cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 22 일단 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 것은 각 단락의 예시들이 주제를 벗어났습니다. 예시들이 주제와 전혀 관련이 없는 부분에 대하여서 설명을 하고 있습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 가장 중요한 것은 예시를 주제와 연관을 지으면서 서술하는 것 입니다.예시를 선정할 때 항상 주제에 중점을 두면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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