▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that we can be
happier when we make many new friends easily than we maintain friendships with
a few number of people in the long term. They believe that we can improve a quality
of our lives with a variety of people. However, in my opinion, the ability to
keep friendships with a small number of people over long time is more important
than one of making a lot of new friends easily. There are two reasons for my statement. for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, friends over a long period of
time can understand each of us much better than strangers each other well. To be more specific,
they can listen our stories that are not easy to say to other people and give
us some advices in easier ways that cannot be conveyed to other people (이유에 대한 설명을 더 구체적으로 하고 난 후 예시로 넘어가는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다). As an example, I will refer to my personal
experience. When I was a high school student before entering university, I failed
in getting admission to a university where I really wanted to go. I felt so
complicated emotions at those moments and I had difficulty in talking about the
matter to other people. However, I have a friend who has been my friend since I
was an elementary school students was my friend since elementary school. He was the only one for me to talk about my
matter and I had overcome my complex emotions in talking with him. In this
regard, old friend can contribute more to our happiness than new strangers.
Also, most people are likely to get stress
when they are in situations with new and unfamiliar people people can get stresses from new circumstances. This is because
they People should be more considerate and thoughtful in building relationships with
others at the beginning. Korean Psychology Institute surveyed 1,000 adults in
order to determine whether or not they feel any negative emotions in situations
with new and unfamiliar people. 576 of them were seen to feel nervous in
unconscious ways and other 328 adults were also under stresses. 92% of participants
answered that they couldn’t could not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) act as they are when they were with other
unfamiliar people. Therefore, we would be better to be with old friends rather
than new people in order to be happy.
To sum up, old friends can understand us
better than new people and most people get stresses when they are with new
people. For these reasons, to maintain friendships with a few number of people
over a long time is more necessary to be happy than to make many new friends
easily.
점수: 24 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 부분은 이유에 대한 구체적 설명입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에 있어서는 구체적 설명이 나오지 않고 바로 예시로 넘어가는 경향이 있습니다. 예시도 아주 좋긴 하지만 좀 더 설득력을 높이기 위해서는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명도 꼭 필요합니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 있스니 제가 첨삭한 부분들을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
|