▶ Your Answer :
Teachers are important to students because they
envision students’ future. Some people insist that teachers are important to become
experts in their fields rather than to have close relations with their students should focus more on becoming experts in their fields.
However, my assertion is that teachers are significant to connect with students
because of the two following reasons for the following two subsequent reasons.
Teachers’ main duty are to teach students,
not having advance knowledges To begin with, teachers' duty is to teach students. Hence, rather than expertizing being expert in specific area, having
connection with their students are more important because more close they get
the more students tend to communicate to the teachers is important to communicate with students. Which allows students to
educate more passionately. For instance, when I was at high school, there was social
study teacher named Mr. Choi. He was passionate on his class therefore, were
passionate on the class. However, he did not spend any time to communicate with
students but only study for the full 50 minutes. Consequently, we all got bored
in his class, and got bad grade because we always slept in his class. Instead,
there was English teacher named Mr. Kook. Unlike Mr. Choi, he spend spent a lot of
time connecting with students. We enjoyed Mr. Kook’s class, and eventually gain
good grade on English.
On top of that, teaching is not the only
factor for teachers. Leading the right path to the student’s future is another factor
and by expertizing in its field doesn’t cooperates to the leading (이 단락에서는 이유에 대하여서 구체적인 설명을 할 필요가 있어 보입니다). For example,
according to a recent research in Seoul National University in 2017, several of
scientists have succeeded in proving that those who possess successful career
tend to have teacher that lead them by conducting a survey to 2,000 Seoul
citizens. Those who have high income, over average, surveyed 89% of people met
teacher who lead them to the right future and answered that the teacher had
close relation with him or her, whereas those with low income, under average,
surveyed only 12%. Which can conclude, teachers are important on leading
students and expert in their field doesn’t help on the leading.
To sum up, between having connection with
students or expertizing in their field, teachers should connect with their
students because connecting with students enhances teaching and teaching isn’t
only duty for teachers.
점수: 22 일단 첫 번째 단락을 보면 문법적인 오류들이 많이 보입니다. 지금 이 단락에서는 문법적 오류들을 숙지할 필요가 있습니다. 따라서 제가 첨삭한 것을 보면서 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 해야할 거 같습니다. 또한 예시의 중요성을 모르겠습니다. 예시를 통해서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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