An
intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether the school spend the money for
organizing activities after school or improving food of cafeteria to organize activities after school or improve food of cafeteria. It may seem
true that spending money on increasing quality of food in the cafeteria;
however, with in-depth analysis the statement seems rather too far-fetched.
Although people may hold different ideas and opinions, I personally support the
idea that developing activities after school would be much beneficial for school
on account of two reasons: for the following two subsequent reasons.
First
and foremost reason would be due to increasing job opportunities. it increases job opportunities In general,
activities after school provides provide the practical and valuable experiences to
students. As students can learn more than academic subjects by doing activities
after school, the academical institutions strongly need to construct a variety
of after school clubs. In other words, the experiences that students would get
from the activity will help them to find their interest and this varied experiences
will be so helpful to find their job because many companies require to have work
experience or other experience more than having good scores. (일단 문장 자체가 장황하고 앞에서 말한 것을 반복적으로 장황하게 서술한 거 같다라는 느낌이 듭니다) Here is an example
of increasing job opportunities by having good after school activity.For example, I get involved
in UNESCO, which was one of the activities that my high school provided. Since I
was 10th grade, I am working a student member in this group. This non-profit
organization helped to find my career. A cooperation I applied required to know
about American culture and I appealed that UNESCO experience made me a expert
of international culture. Then I could get my job immediately.
This
example indicates that organizing school club will be expediency for getting
job for the students.
Another
important reason is that the majority of students do not want to eat at the
cafeteria. Furthermore, students do not prefer to eat at cafeteria. Students prefer to eat at formal restaurant which serves fine foods
rather than having meals at the school cafeteria. In addition, although school
improves the taste of foods, I firmly believe that it would not attract people.
Students usually do not want to stay their free time at the school, they would
prefer to stay outside and having fun. I would like to take my personal experience
as an example. My friends and I have never used the cafeteria that is inside
of the school building. We just do not like the atmosphere, even though the
taste of food is not such bad. Young people just want to be free and consciously
want to get outside from where they study. This case shows that spending money
on cafeteria would be useless.
In
a nutshell, although whether exploiting on organizing activities or improving
cafeteria’s food is open to interpretation, it seems reliable to claim that
spending school’s budget on developing activities is much beneficial than spending
on food because of two reasons discussed in this essay.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 장황하게 설명되었다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 이러한 느낌이 드는 이유 중에 하나는 에세이가 전체적으로 정리가 덜 되어 있다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 항상 에세이를 서술하실 때 brainstorming을 잘 짜시고 에세이를 서술하는 것을 추천합니다. 이러한 부분은 첫 번째 단락에서 보여지는 데 장황하게 설명된 부분이 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 이해가 되지 않습니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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