▶ Your Answer : Some might say that saving money is better than using it right away ,while others think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that storing money is preferable to exhausting it immediately.
To begin with, saving money helps students cultivate qualities which are helpful for their life that are important in life. When they store money, it requires them to be diligent and self-disciplined. Once these traits are developed, it is likely to bring a better result in school brings about better result (일단 better result가 뭔지 설명을 하시고 예시로 넘어가는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다). For example, when my brother was in high school, he got poor grades in school. To be specific, he got distracted easily and acted on impulse. However, he had changed little by little gradually after he started to save his pocket money given by parents. He realized that controlling himself, instead of doing what he wants right now, gives rise to a better result after a little. Since then, he was accustomed to be prudent and to study regularly for his future. Naturally, he was able to raise grades in school.
On top of that, people who save money for a while can feel a greater sense of stabilization stability. It tends to give them a chance to be stable and thus be confident about themselves. High confidence is likely to prevent prevents them from feeling inferior to others. For example, When I was in college, I often felt depressed, concerning about financial hardship. Fortunately, I was able to deal with worrying about money by store earned money by part-tome job by storing money earned from part time job. Though it was little at first, it helped me to be stable as days go by, If I had not start to deposit, I would had not focus on my schoolwork.
In a nutshell, advantages of saving money far overweight those of spending money right away, in that storing salary or pocket money helps with development of qualities which positively effect on their life and with stability .For these reasons, I strongly believe that it is better for people to save money rather than use it all.
Fair: 17~23 점수; 22 일단 이 에세이에서의 문제점은 이론을 제시하지만. 그 이론에 대하여서 설명이 너무 부족합니다. 특히 이러한 부분은 첫 번째 단락에서 보여지게 되어 있는데. Better result를 명시하시긴 하지만 이 better result가 뭔지는 자세하게 나와 있지 않습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 무조건 필요한 것은 구체적인 설명입니다. 구체적인 설명이 나와야지 이해가 되기 때문에 꼭 구체적으로 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |