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┼ ▨ 채점좀 부탁해여^^ - 안국 오후(openskr@hotmail.com) ┼
│ 토픽은 학교에 유니폼을 입는게 좋은지 아닌지...였슴당
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│ People, nowadays, like to have rights to choose what clothes to wear to go to school because there are a lot of clothings lovely looking and making us try on.(잘 이해가 안가는 문장 이네여.) However, when it comes to the poor and the unification of school, we have to take(uniform) uniforms.
│ First, if students take on clothes whatever they want(clothes as they wish), there can be a problem.(a problem will arise) Clothes sometimes represent the way of living. Therefore, rich strudents would alienate poor students, getting along with other wealthy students. However, if we take uniforms, it is difficult to recognize who is poor at the sight of their appearences.
│ Second, in a group or team, uniform is very important for unification. According to the research of an army camp, 75 % answered 'yes' to the question 'Are you more enthusiastic when you wear uniforms than without it?' At this point, we can anticipate the unification of schools. Uniforms can make students the one.
┼ In conclusion, what clothes students take on to school should be considered by both schools and students. As I mentioned above(문법적으로 맞는데, 만이 쓰지 마세여), wearing uniforms is good for students and schools for unification. Why not make uniforms look beautiful and gorgeous? (에세이에선 묻는 문장 쓰지 마세여. 만은 사람들이 이거도 괜찬타고 가르치는데여, 진짜 채점하는사람은 별로 좋게 생각안합니다.)
우선 잘쓰셨는데, 첫번째 아이디어가 만이 설득력이 없네여. 돈 없어 보이기 시러서 교복입는다는 좋지 안은거 같네여. 그리고 만은 에러가 안났는데, 이유는 문장들이 아주 간결하기 때문입니다. 님은 작은 실수 안하시니까, complex sentence를 시도 해 보세여. 그럼 좋은 점수 대로 들어가기 쉬울겁니다. 도움이 되시길!!