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┼ ▨ 박물관 왜 가나? - 유키 ┼
│ The life becomes more fun whenever we visit an unfamiliar place through seeing(where we see) something new, fascinating. One of the places where we get a fresh feeling is very(very awkwardly placed) museum.
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│ Given the choice between watiching the movie in crowding urban and visiting musiums, I would choose to visit musiums. This is so many attratcive(동사가 is인데 뒤에 many가 왔네여. attractive는 adjective입니다.noun이 필요합니다.) that many tourists visit the special musiums in the area.(이게 앞에말한 attractive아닌가여? change 'attractive' to 'attraction' There are a lot of infetrsting things that make us knowledge of history, life style. When we go there, we can learn who built our nation. (이문장은 더 간결하고 설명을 더 하면 좋겠네여. 그리고 토픽이랑 관련업는 말들을 만이 말습하셨네여(예를들어 마지막 문장))
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│ Moreover, so many school(그냥 schools) lead children to visit musimums in order to build experience that cannot to be able to acquire(acquired) easily inside(in) the classroom. Antique materials give a lot of imagination.(not connected from the previous sentence) From this imagination, children will enhance their creative ability
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│ Apart from these instructive purposes, most of all, visiting musiums cause us to be fun. Family member can go there and even eat out in the park near the musium after watiching it.(it이 먼지 머르겠네여) They may be very happy to share times with family and neighbors who are visiting there. Interactive exhibit or status will get the children to make a sense of various things of the world musch more in future and past. (이 문장에 평가는 처음문장에 평가와 같습니다)
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┼ In conclusion, we visit musiums in order to enlarge our life of quality(quality of our life) with imagining many things. So there is no more valuable things(are no more valuable things) to(than) visit(visiting) musiums by escaping the everyday life.(이문장은 토픽이랑 별로 연관이 없네여) ┼
이 에세이는 전체적으로 uncoherent이네여(한국말로 잘 모르겠네여먼지ㅡ.ㅡ)하여튼 문장이 토픽이랑 잘 연관이 안되있다는 말이거든여. 이 거를 읽고 님의 의도파악하기가 힘드네여. 무선 어떻게 쓰실지 생각하고 써보세여, 도움이 될거 같습니다. 도움이 되시길!!