▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. However, in my opinion, technology can made children creative than they were in the past by providing one example. The example is my personal experience. for the following subsequent reasons.
I think children can grow their creativity by indirect experience through advantages of technology such as smartphones To begin with, indirect experience enlarges creativity. I believe indirect experience is the most essential factor of success in this world. Imagine people have only textbook knowledge. Their views will be so narrow. By watching educational videos through smartphones, children can not only gain diverse indirect experience which can affect their creativity but also broaden their horizon of the world. For example, when I was a child, I really wanted to visit other countries such as France. Unfortunately, my house had not enough did not have enough money to travel overseas countries. Instead of travel, I decided to watch video about preserved streets and architect of France. By watching video, I learned about forgotten histories and artisan of France which were influenced me greatly. Later on, I decided to be an artist and enrolled in the art high school and received several art awards from the mayor. Would it be possible to grow my creativity by sitting on the desk and reading books which are related in ancient art in France? The answer would be no. According to my personal experience, the way to grow my creativity was took advantages about technology rather than old fashion way. to take the advantages of the technology In this regard, thanks to indirect experience through smartphones, I can grow creativity and be a very famous artist in South Korea.
To sum up, children can grow their creativity by indirect experience through smartphones. In this regard, I disagree with the statement that technology has made children less creative than they were in the past.
점수: 22 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하다 보니까 전반적으로 에세이 자체가 너무 장황하게 서술되었습니다. 에세이 자체가 장황하다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지 파악하기가 너무 힘들엇습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 간결하게 자신의 주장을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |