▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, enjoying life plays a
significant role in people's daily lives in many of the places where they work
or play. Some people might say that young people enjoy life more than older
people do, while others do not think differently. If I had to choose one, I would say that young
people young people cannot enjoy life more than older people do. There are
several reasons as follows for the following two subsequent reasons. .
To begin with, old people do not have to
worry about many complicated things. Considering the fact that the young
generation always suffer suffers (generation은 단수 주어 입니다) from complicated thinking such as their future, their
jobs, and their relationships, young people do not have enough time to refresh
themselves. In my case, when I visit Japan with my friends right before our
graduation from university, we cannot stop thinking about our future and our
jobs. So, we couldn't enjoy the travel and had to feel depressed. On the other
hand, older people have already gone through these worries which means they can
just focus on recharging. Furthermore, having lived a long time, older people
already experienced many things in life, and thus they have a bigger view on
matters such as how to live happily, how to deal with stress, and how to manage
time.
In addition, old people have plenty of time
and money. After several years of working, old people usually accumulated their
fortune and do not have to go to work anymore. They can go wherever they want
and buy whatever they want. Nowadays, there are many good facilities for
elderly which makes their life joyful. When such facilities are well used, they
would make their life much happier.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that old people can enjoy their life more than younger people do for the
reasons I have mentioned above. In this regards, the importance of enjoying
life in old age cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 단락의 균형화 입니다. 지금 이 에세이를 보앗듯이 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 장황하게 서술하였습니다. 하지만 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 너무 내용도 그렇고 빈약합니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 두 번째 단락에서 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |