▶ Your Answer :
There is a currently debate whether people should accept and adapt to the customs of new countries when they move to. The answer to this question may greatly vary depending on individuals’ perspectives. However, after pondering from several aspects, I am of the opinion that it is necessary for movers to follow the rules of its new country with two perspectives: following customs of new circumstance helps people to get along with the ordinary people and it is less stressful to accept the rules than rather being against it. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 말할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다) To start the argument, individuals who are new to certain cultures and rules should try to follow it in order to build relationships with the citizens there citizens should follow the regulation set by foreign country. Having a good relation with origin people may help movers to settle better since they can give some useful information about the region. As an instance, when my family moved to Virginia, the state of U.S.A, we had to get through all the hardships since the circumstances there were totally different from my home country and especially the language was new to us. Meanwhile, we tried our best on practicing English, opened a garage sale which is one of the tradition in the US, and hold the Thanks-Giving party with our neighborhoods. As we tried to follow the customs and cultures of the new region, we could build a new friendships with the people there. As a result, we could easily settle down in Virginia. Thus, it is important for immigrants to follow its cultures in order to get along well with the people there and eventually settle down in the new places better.
On top of that, movers are more likely to get less stress when they accept the rules of the new regions. get less stress. Many consider that people can not be forced to accept the new customs in an advanced society. However, it is undeniable that people who are against the culture of new country and do not change their minds will gain lots of stress while living there. According to a recent study, conducted by Oxford University, 85 percent of respondents who immigrated to London and have not followed its culture or customs since then stated that they are having stress-related illnesses such as headache, loss of hair and fatigue. This is because the The (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) customs normally might not change quickly and easily, so if movers do not accept its traditions and keep following their own values, it is the one who gets the stress from the imbalance between the immigrants and new customs. The professor concluded her study saying that being flexible to new culture is something that movers should consider deeply before deciding an immigration. To conclude, I believe that there is no doubt that movers should follow the rules of new countries. Opinions may vary from people to people, but what does not change is that this topic is something that needs to be settled.
점수 :21 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 것은 전반적으로 에세이 자체가 너무 장황합니다. 에세이 자체가 장황하다 보니 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 너무 어려웠습니다. 특히 불필요한 부연설명들이 너무 많아서 에세이의 플로우를 많이 방해하고 있습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하는 것 입니다. 수고많으셧습니다. (485 자) |