▶ Your Answer : In the digital era, most people tend to think that watching movies or television does not affect people's behavior because contents in movies or television are contradiction. However, I disagree with people who claim that watching movies or television is useless for the following subsequent reasons. (필요 없다에 대한 에세이가 아니라 사람들에게 어떠한 영향을 주는지에 대한 에세이입니다)
To begin with, movies or television gives people's behavior motivation. To illustrate with motivation, as people go to a movie theater in order to see a movie that covers corruption of society, they will decide to make good society. What's more, children or students may not know what they really want to be in the future. Yet, movie or television helps them determine for their future jobs broadcasting what attractive jobs are. According to one spectator, he determined what he really want to work for after watching a television that broadcaster an extreme job.
On top of that, television affects people's behavior. To specify with behavior, we can find a television program easily that covers human health and explain what foods people should eat. The television program will change people's behavior for health. In addition, people who already watched the television program will be diligent.
To sum up, movies and television provide two merits which I mention above. In this regard, I highly recommend people who do not think that movies and television are effective to human behavior to change their minds.
점수: 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 부분은 인트로 입니다. 본인의 주장을 서술하는데에 있어 주제를 벗어나게 서술하였습니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 참고하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 전체적으로 내용면에 있어서 많은 빈약점이 보여지는 에세이입니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 본인의 주장을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |