▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that universities should spend less money on sports than money on
libraries. However, in my opinion, universities should spend as much money on
sports as they do on libraries. There are two reasons: First, sports can
relieve students’ stress. Second, students can make friends easily. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To
begin with, doing sports can relieve students’ stress, so universities should
support money on sports. Funny and healthy sports can be an outlet for students
who have lots of stress (여기서 말하고 자 하는 outlet이 어떤 의미를 갖고 말을 하는 건지 설명이 필요합니다). In other word, having the outlet for stress has a
meaning in itself since it helps one regain energy and find the strength to go
on By doing sports or exercising people can regain energy and find the strength to step further. Students nowadays have pressure not only physically but also mentally. It
will help them get back on track after doing vivid activities and sports game
in sports class. A study conducted by Jihun’s laboratory is a good example of
this. The researchers tracked the habits of people who had taken a sports class
during their universities over a 2 year period. What they found was intriguing.
The people who did sports have less stress than those who did not. This is
because sports class is helpful to relieve stress. This study demonstrates that
doing sports can relieve students’ stress.
Also,
they can make friends by making a sports club Furthermore, sports bring about how to socialize with other people. Imagine that making friends
without opportunity of close. Would it be possible to make new friend fast? The
answer will be “no”. The only way to meet different people easily would be to
make a sports club that gives you opportunity to close. The meaning of success
has completely changed compared to the past. in comparison to the past. In the past, it is only focusing
on one’s own way to exceed others, now it is different. Along with your own
ability, it is important to be recognized by others and have followers in your
field. In this sense, making a sports club would be helpful. For example, I had
a few friends when I was a university student. I am so lonely to stay, so I
decide to make a sports club. The result was great. I could make lots of
friends and got to know them, playing a sports game.
To
sum up, students in universities can relieve their stress by sports class.
Moreover, they can make friends, making a sports club. In this regard, I
totally agree with the statement that universities should spend as much money
on sports as they do on libraries.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다. 이 인칭 주어로 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 삼 인칭 주어로 에세이를 서술하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 두 번째 단락은 주제를 벗어 났습니다. 지금 이 에세이의 취지는 대학교가 스포츠에 돈을 투자를 해야하나 인데. 두 번째 단락은 우리가 스포츠 동아리를 만들면 좋은 점에 취지를 놓고 에세이를 서술하고 있습니다. 따라서 주제를 완전히 벗어 났습니다. 에세이를 서술할 때 주제를 꼭 확인하고 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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