▶ Your Answer : I agree with the statement that people put so much importance on their appearance and fashion these days. There are mainly two reasons why I thinks this way. First, people are usually assess others with their appearance. Second, fashion is so quickly changed in nowadays. Now, I would like to talk these two things more details. for the following two subsequent reasons (적절한 인트로가 아닌거 같습니다. 인트로에서는 훅이랑 상대방 의견도 나와야하는 데 지금 이 에세이는 너무 자기 의견만 말하고 있습니다) To begin with, most people think that the first impression is important. So they tend to make up their face and wear clothes clearly to give a good impression. For example, when I was at university freshmen ceremony, most students assess others with what they wore. On top of that, fashion is changed so fast in these days. It makes people to more think about the clothes and also gives a curiosity. Moreover since high technology is developed, people can easily search the famous cloth brands and designers etc. For these reasons, more people are going to put efforts on their appearance and fashion. In this regard, I firmly believe that people put too much importance on their appearance and fashion these days
점수: 20 인트로부터 적절하지 않았던 독립형 에세이였습니다. 인트로에서는 훅과 상대방 의견들이 꼭 필요합니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이를 통해서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이 에세이에서 가장 필요한것은 구체적인 설명입니다. 각 단락들의 내용이 너무 빈약합니다. 너무 짧게 설명을 해서 그런지 이유를 통해서 주제에 대하 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 모르겟습니다. 이 부분을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. . |