▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that It is better to have a job with a higher salary and not much free time but others do not think differently. If I were asked to choose one, I strongly say that a job with sufficient leisure time is more beneficial for people. There are several reasons as follows for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, people have enough time for vacation, it enables them to relax and recharge their batteries. When people are recharged, it is likely to have more energy to put into working and being active people can put more effort on working. It means that their performance is excellent When people's salary is good, it leads to get a high salary. For example, my younger brother wanted to earn a lot of money, so he had choose chose a first job with a higher and no free time. During the first year, he became exhausted and lost his weight a lot. Our families worried about his physical conditions. As the second year, he quit his job because he could not manage to work anymore. However, he looked for new job which included a lot of vacation. After getting job, he is satisfied his job even though salary is lower than the first job. Thanks to enjoying his vacation, he can relieve stress and get strengthened so he can work hard. Now his company gives him salary the same as the first company paid.
On top of that, vacation allows people increase in their overall happiness. After a long day at work, having free time gives them a chance to experience something different from what they would do in their usual routine. A new experience tends to prevent them from feeling bored in life. For instance, when I worked at bank, it was miserable time i had to work until 12pm and weekends. I knew that I had earned a lot of money but i hated my routine life. I wanted to change my life so I have started to work as a freelancer interpreter. As you know, I can control my working time and lots of holiday. Therefore, I have decided to learn musical instrument such as piano. It is a great experience to play with bands and I can socialize with people those who have a different backgrounds. I am so happy and I really enjoy my life.
To sum up, I believe that career with spacious time for relaxation is better than a fortune job without free time. Because that kind of jobs can allow us to relax and improve our happiness.
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약간의 문법적 오류들이 있습니다. 이러한 오류들은 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 숙지하면 좋을 거 같습니다. 문법적 오류 이외에는 전반적으로 지금 이 에에시은 잘 서술된 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것 중에 하나는 설득력 입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 각 단락의 이유를 통하여서 왜 우리가 쉬는 날이 더 많은 직업을 선호해야하는 지를 이해할 수 있었던 에세이였습니다. 각 이유들이 논리적이였습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |