▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, physical exercise plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that it is more important for older people to do physical exercise than for younger people, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that physical exercise has more influences on older people than younger people. There are several reasons as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, when younger people do physical exercise, it can contribute to an increase in their overall happiness in a competitive world young people's overall happiness can be increased. It gives them a chance to improve their figures and thus be confident about themselves. High confidence tends to prevent them from feeling inferior to others in very competitive society. For instance, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects, hoping that she could outdo others. Although she made constant effort, it was not easy because everyone was working as hard as she was. Fortunately, she was able to make her could make her life more meaningful by playing soccer in his football club every weekend. By doing this, she was able to see In doing so she could see positive results she contributed to. Many people around her started to respect her, allowing her to be more confident, optimistic, and strong. If she had not done physical exercise, she would not have been able to escape from feeling inferior to others. escaped feeling inferior to other people. In addition, physical exercise can help younger people who live a sedentary life improve their physical health physical health can be improved. It can develop their muscles, speed up their metabolism, and burn calories. This is likely to prevent them prevents them from getting sick or overweight. For instance, John, one of my friends, used to suffer from diabetes and obesity. He always studied for 12 hours everyday and did not have exercise time. However, his health has improved after he started jogging at a nearby park. He gained some muscle mass and had better control of his blood sugar. If he had not exercised, his physical condition would not have been able to improve. All things considered, I strongly believe that physical exercise has more effect on younger people than older people for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of physical exercise cannot be overestimated in younger people`s life.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 중요하게 보아야하는 것은 단락의 균형을 맞춰 주시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이는 첫 번째 단락은 길게 서술하였는데 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 짧게 서술하였습니다. 따라서 좀 더 균형에 맞게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 부분들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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