Undoubtedly,
some people might think that elementary school students should be required to
take classes eleven months a year. However, in my opinion, I strongly disagree
with the statement that elementary school students have to attend classes
eleven month a year for two reasons, which I will explore in the following
essay. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with,
children need time for other activities so that they can learn pivotal things
for their life. To attend classes eleven months only Attending classes eleven months only gives kids scant of time
to experience various activities for their future life. I will give my personal
experience as an example. When I was an elementary student, my mother let me go
to city summer camp. We went into the mountain and pitched a tent with three of
my fellow. After that, we made dinner by ourselves and wash all the dishes we
used. Every activity did with my friend teach me how to cooperate with others. (예시를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다)
On the top of
that, it will not be efficient for teacher, which can affect even to elementary
school students. If elementary school teachers have to work eleven month a
year, the school would not be managed well. If there is lack of time for
teacher to deal with school system and records of students, the teachers would
be tired so they could not give a lot of effort to their class. For instance,
ordinary Korea elementary school has 3 month vacation, there was a survey in
Korea conducted by the school management department, with 300 elementary school
teachers as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand whether
the three months vacation is short or not for reporting about their student and
school. The 98% of respondents replied that it is too short time for teachers
to make report in only three months. This survey implied that it is not
effective to take class eleven months a year.
To sum up, other
activity except school activity needs to be done children. Moreover, it would
not give only positive effect, if there were only one month vacation a year. In
this regard, I disagree with elementary school should take classes eleven
month.
점수: 21 각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 예시가 주제를 벗어났습니다. 주제와 상관이 없는 예시를 서술하였습니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 불필요한 부연설명들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 설명들은 에세이를 장황하게 만들기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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