■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Today's young people do not get involved in the crucial decisions that influence how society will change in the future
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers |
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Some people think that young generation participates well in political campaign which is influential to our society. But I think that young people are not that into taking part in political activities. However I think young people are not deeply involved in changing the society. This is because there has been a change of thoughts among young people and school's environment today is inferior in terms of students' participating political campaigns.
First of all, young people's way of thinking has changed over time. In the past, for example, June democratic movemnet movement in 1980, many students had concerns over dictatorship so that, thus they protested against government which is was not democratic. But now, young people are more individualistic than past as our country is getting has gotten more and more westernized. I mean, young people these days put more emphasis on doing their own stuffs. For example, instead of going to electoral vote, they go to trip or play with friends. That kind of action can deprive them of the opportunities to make future of society that they wish.
Secondly, current Korean education system is not adaptable for young people to participate in political decisions. Because school does not teach specifically how important the taking part in political campaign is. And students are forced to just study not to get involved in political issues seriously. As school does not teach especially how important the taking part in political campaign is, students are forced to just study without getting involved in political concerns. In my days of high school, there was the subject called 'Politics and Law'. I learned only the abstract theories but did not learn practical knowleges knowledge (knowledge는 셀 수 없는 명사 따라서 s x) related to taking part in political campaign. I think school should have more political participation programs. Those programs can contribute student to have more interests on political issues.
Those are the two reasons why I suppose that young people are not in to make political decisions do not participate in making political decisions. My reasons are that young people are becoming have become more and more individualistic compared to the past and that the school environment is not good for young people to get into political issues.
Fair: 17~23
점수: 22
위 에세이 첨삭에서 보앗듯이 문법적 오류나 어법상 틀린 부분이 많습니다. 이러한 부분이 많으면 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하게 됩니다. 따라서 이러한 문법적 오류들을 피하기 위해서는 보다 본인이 에세이를 다 서술한 다음에 proofreading을 꼭 하시길 바랍니다. Proofreading을 하게되면 본인이 어떠한 부분에서 문법적 오류들을 범하게 됬는지 알 수 있게 됩니다. 따라서 proofreading을 하길 바랍니다. 문법적 오류 빼고는 전체적으로 논리적으로 서술된 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.