▶ Your Answer :
Certainly, government funding plays a significant role in
people’s daily lives in many of the places where they live or work. Some people
think that the governments should invest more in supporting art museums and
music performances than that recreational facilities such as play grounds or public
swimming pool while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to
support their view. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that the
governments should spend more money on
recreational facilities such as play grounds or public swimming pool than art museums and music performances.
There are several reasons as follows. follws.
To begin with, when the government invests a lot of money in
recreational centers such as play grounds or public swimming pool, it can
improve people’s physical health. The government funding for such facilities can provide easier access to exercise.
When people do exercise and sweat, their bodies heat up and generate more white
blood cells. An increase in white blood cells is likely to strengthen
their immune system and help people maintain health. For example, when my
sister was in high school, s. She often felt depressed thinking that her life
became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the
whole day studying all academic subjects hoping that she could outdo others. In addition, she tried to have higher
knowledge in art and music by going to the museum and concert hall regularly because
she wanted to be superior to others in art and music fields. Although she
made constant effort, it was not easy because becase everyone was working as hard as
she was. Unfortunately, she always was always tired and exhausted. Also she lost her
energy to study hard and she got twelve pounds since she often ate candy bars
to relieve stress. Luckily, she was able to deal with such pressure and stress
in a safe way by starting to swimming every evening in public recreational center. She was able to
let off some steam after swimming and have more energy to put into working and being active. After working out, she
felt her body bodies lighter. She was able to stay in shape and lose her body
weight. She was able to realize that public recreational centers could allow people to have easy access to
exercise and thus positively affect people's mental health as well as physical health. her body. If it were not for the public
recreational facilities fiacilities such as play ground and swimming pool, she would have
got sick more often.
All things considered, I firmly believe that pouring the
government money into recreational facilities is more important than into art museum
and music performance for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 모델에세이를 활용해서 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 구성해주신 것 같아요. 체력단련과 오락 시설에 더 많은 투자를 해서 주민들의 접근성이 높아져야 가능한 장점이므로 사례 내용에서도 동생이 운동을 통해 극복했다는 내용뿐 아니라 접근성이 높아서 덕분에 쉽게 스트레스 해소와 건강관리에 도움을 받을 수 있었다는 흐름을 함께 보여주면 좋을 것 같습니다. 오탈자와 문법오류 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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