▶ Young people’s intellectual, social, and personal development is highly influenced by how they spend their time. With this understanding, I believe that there are many advantages from spending much time on pets even though there are a number of things that they need to spend their time on. This is because it enables young people to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life.
First, spending time on pets enables young people to relieve stress. Understanding the daily environment of young people and the potential role of spending time on pets is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, they have to get to school. Once they are at school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. As a way to manage their stress, they can play with pets. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from school. This ramification cannot come from spending their time on what they have to do.
Second, spending time on pets enables young people to enjoy a better quality of life. (삶의 질이 어떤 측면에서 개선되는지 조금 더 상세히 적어주세요) Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in “The Korean Herald” last Tuesday which claims pets help young people to strengthen relationship with families. Young people can do various things with their pets and families, which provides meaningful opportunities for people to connect with families. Essentially, jogging with their families and pets promotes activities that encourage people to openly interact with one another. Such intercommunication builds a platform not only to share happy minds with families but also to create lasting memories, allowing people to ultimately enjoy a better quality of life although they have to spend their time on other things. (여기서는 better quality of life 보다는 pet 을 통한 social interaction 증가가 이유의 핵심처럼 보입니다)
To sum up, I believe that spending time on pets is more important than on what they need to spend for the following reasons: to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated by the reasons I mentioned above. Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- Template 사용으로 인한 제한된 어휘 - Template 사용으로 인한 too general reasons that support the argument |