▶ Your Answer : Some people argue that television is a good medium for education because there are a lot of educational contents. However, with in-depth analysis, it is so far-fetched. As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that television should be used for by entertainments purpose. This is largely due to the fact that television has more entertainment programs than educational programs. Another reason for my opinion is that other another media such as computers and books are better to get information. First and foremost, television has more funny programs more than educational programs so people can find out entertainment programs more easily. That is because it is expensive for broadcasting companies to make programs, so they are trying to make entertainment programs that many people want to watch. What I mean is that many broadcasting companies make more comedy programs in order to make money then, it is hard to find educational programs that people want to watch. For instance, I have trouble in searching programs about mathematics because there are few programs. so I found out that television is inconvenient to see educational programs. 어떤 목적으로 사용해야 하는지에 대한 '당위성'을 설명해야 하므로 단순히 교육프로그램의 수가 적다는 내용은 논제에 대한 답변이 되기 어렵습니다. 교육 목적으로 사용하기 부적절하다는 점과 왜 entertaining 목적으로 사용되어야 하는지를 연결지어서 그 부분에 좀 더 초점을 두고 내용을 설명하면 좋을 것 같아요. 왜 교육프로그램이 더 적은지에 대한 설명이 분량을 많이 차지하고 있는데, 이 부분들은 주제와 무관하므로 불필요합니다. Moreover, other another media are better to get information. To elucidate, there are numerous media that are easier to search specific or professional information. People can use computers and books to get information quickly. For example, people can find information by searching some words through google. It is more faster than watching television and convenient or perhaps people can find professional knowledge. In conclusion, other another media such as computers and books are better for educational purpose because they are time-effective. 교육적으로 더 나은 매체가 무엇이 있는지 나열하는 것은 'TV는 교육적인 목적보다 오락적인 목적으로 사용되는 것이 낫다'라는 입장 전체를 뒷받침할 수 없습니다. 주제와 관련된 내용이 되도록 답안을 재구성해주세요. To sum up, I strongly disagree with the statement that the purpose of television should be educational, not for entertainments. This is because television is not only lacks of educational programs and but also it is just a waste of time to find information on TV. (어법에 맞게 표현만 수정한 부분이니 참고해주세요. 주제에 맞게 주장이 바뀌면 결론 문단 내용도 바뀌어야 합니다.)
Comment : 주제 내용은 'TV의 사용 목적이 교육적인 것이 나은가, 오락적인 것이 나은가' 정도로 이해하는 편이 적절해 보여요. 교육적으로 사용하기에 부적절한 이유만 설명하면 '오락적인 측면'을 설명할 수 없으므로 논제에 대한 답변이 되기 어렵습니다. 주제가 묻는 내용에 완전한 답변이 될 수 있는 주장들로 본론을 구성해주세요. 뒷받침 사례도 함께 연결해서 논리를 만들어주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용)
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