▶ Your Answer :
Some people argues that universities should spend more money on hiring outstanding
professors than on facilities. However in my
opinion, I think that universities should spend more money on improving facilites facilities. There are two reasons; First, students can
be healthy through making new facilities such as fitness centers and gyms. Seocnd Second,
students can make good human relationships by
using facilities.
First of all, if universities invest
on facilities, students can be healthy through the facilities like fitness
centers. The importance of health should be prioritized. Without good health,
nothing can be achieved. Like there is a saying, "Sound body, Sound
mind", keeping in shape enables students to maximize their concentration
on studying and be self-sufficient. For example,
a study was conducted by the board of Korean
education to determine whether the number presence
(뒤에 오는 예시를 보면 숫자가 중요한 게 아니라 존재 여부를 따진 것 같아서 number 보다 presence를 사용해 주시는 게 적절합니다) of fitness centers in a
university could affect students` health status. There were two groups
monitored. The first group was formed of universities that have fitness
centers. The students who were in the university were asked to take tests to
measure their level of blood pressure. The other group consisted of universites
universities that do not have fitness centers
and their students were given the same
direction. The researchers compared the outcomes and recorded that the people
who are were in the university that has a fitness center had better blood pressure than other
group`s students. The reason was that students used the
fitness center regularly if fitness centers were in their school. This study
demonstrates that universities should have
fitness centers center for their
students.
Second, students can broaden their human relationship through
communication in facilities like lobbies and libraries. The meaning of success has completely changed
compared the past. In the past, it was merely focusing on one`s own way to
exceed others, now it is different. Along with one’s
own ability, it is crucial to have people who can lend you a hand when you are
in trouble. I will take my university of an example. When I was in a first grade freshman year,
there was not space that students can
talk to each them other. Many students
maintained that we needed space for communication. After two -year, two years, in my department building, a new
lounge was made in my department building and
many students could talk to each them other
in the lounge. I also could not only talk to my friends but also make made new friends. (ability to
have people who can lend you a hand <-> lobby where you can talk with
each other의 관계를 확실히 적어주세요)
To sum up, universities` facilities is so importnat important because of students` health and human
relationship. In this regard, I firmly hold that universities should spend more
money on facilities.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
16 |
Overall
Comment: |
템플릿 활용은 좋았지만, 문법
오류가 매우 많습니다. 본론 두 번째 문단 마지막 문장에 지적을 해 드렸듯이 관계를 명확하게 적어주세요. 철자 오류도 많으니 위
지적사항들을 참고하시길 바랍니다. |
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