▶ Your Answer :
There are some people who believe that a job with more vacation is not better than a job with high salary but less vacation time. However, I strongly disagree with the above idea for with two subsequent reasons. First, they can be less stressed stressful with long vacation. Second, they can spend time with family members.
To begin with, people who have long vacation can take the a rest and have their own leisure time more than others. This means that they can evade the stress better. sStress is known to be a major factor that keeps us from being healthy and many people are suffering from mental problem such as depression and nervous breakdown caused by stress. 이런 점에서 생각했을 때 긴 휴가로 스트레스를 잘 풀어주는 것이 더 낫다는 식의 설명을 보완해주세요. 스트레스가 안 좋다는 내용으로 논점이 흘러가지 않도록 유의해야 합니다. Let me bring up my personal experiences as an example. My father worked at a factory that makes clothes. He always expend spent so much many time around 15 hours a day on making to make money. Eventually, my father suffered from depression. His doctor, Mr. Han said this depression was is from the excessive work, and his work would will make him more bad his condition worse. As a result, Mmy father stopped his this job and now he is working on taxi driving. He nNowadays he has a lot of personal time so that he looks so seems to feel more energetic. vacation이 주제이므로 vacation과 관련된 주제를 제시해주어야 해요. 개인시간이나 쉴 시간 없다는 내용보다는 돈을 많이 주는 대신 휴가가 적은 일을 해서 스트레스를 제대로 풀 기회가 없었던 사례가 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적합합니다.
Second, spending time with family is very important because family is the only thing that is be a reason to live and family members will feel more happy happier, safer safety, and loved love than who they are not. 마찬가지로 가족이 왜 중요한지에 대한 설명 이전에 vacation과 관련된 내용 제시가 필요해요. 일을 하는 목적에 대해 묻는 것이 아니라 직업적 요건을 비교하도록 요구하고 있으므로 적은 휴가와 많은 봉급 / 더 많은 휴가를 비교할 수 있도록 내용을 구성해주세요. According to a study done by Tthe ABC institute, 80% of respondents said that long working time can destroy the happiness of home. Additionally, they also mentioned that working is just for family members that , which means there is nothing not important than their home. It clearly shows that a long term of vacation is the most vital thing for people.
In conclusion, a job with more vacation provides not only less stress but also making happiness among between family members. In this regard, I strongly disagree that a job with less vacation but with more salary is better than vacation.
Comment : 스트레스와 가족 시간의 측면에서 입장을 뒷받침하는 것은 아주 좋은 전략입니다. 다만 문단으로 내용을 만들 때 주제와 관련짓는 내용들이 더 보완되었으면 하는 아쉬움이 있습니다. 스트레스나 가족에게 완전히 초점이 몰리면 off-topic으로 흘러갈 위험이 있으니 less vacation과 관련된 내용을 더 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법오류도 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
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