▶ Your Answer :
There are might be some people who believe it is good that parents give their children weekly money to buy whatever they want. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for with two subsequent reasons. First, children who have a lot of money will not study well. Second, money is not an important thing for children.
To begin with, they children can spend money to buy on game gaming CD and they will concentrate on playing game only. gaming. Finally, it will cause them to stop the their own studying. Study is the most important thing for students because good grades will help them get into good universities and eventually get great jobs. As students get older, a good Aacademic record is the only thing that actually matters. Let me bring up my personal experience as an example. When I was in middle school, Kim, who was my best friend at that time, was is falling in the computer games. gaming. Actually, he had not been not addict of addicted to games. gaming. However, since his parents gave money, he was addicted to computer online games. If he had not received money, he could not have been addicted to the online games. gaming.
Secondly, Iif children hold the money, it can cause them to be overweight. the overweigh. Because they do not have the power of self-control, they will expand spend money buying to buy a lot of food. Being overweight is a serious vital issue in this world. They should workout everyday. For example, I was overweight that was over the 10KG more than normal weight. Last year, I joined a bicycle rider's club. tThe members used bicycle to commute to school or work. Finally, Nnow I am in a great shape and feel more energetic than ever before. 운동을 하면 과체중 문제를 줄이는 데 도움이 된다는 내용은 아이들에게 주기적으로 용돈을 주는 것과 아무런 관련이 없습니다.
In conclusion, giving the money to children provides not only disturbs disturbing to children from study but also sparks sparking off the overweight problem. In this regard, I strongly disagree that parents give children weekly money.
Comment : 아이들에게 매주 용돈을 주는 것이 어떤 점에서 좋지 않다고 보는지를 좀 더 직접적인 답변으로 제시해주세요. 모든 아이들이 게임에 돈을 쓰거나 음식을 많이 사는 것은 아니기 때문에 게임중독이나 비만 문제로 용돈을 연결하는 것은 다소 비약적이라는 느낌이 듭니다. 돈의 가치를 아직 모르기 때문에 매주 그냥 돈이 주어지면 돈의 가치를 모르고 쓰게 된다, 하는 식으로 좀 더 직접적인 주장과 연결하는 편이 논리를 만들기에 좋습니다. 문법오류가 많은 편이니 정확한 내용 전달이 가능하도록 수일치, 태, 품사사용 등에 더 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |