▶ Your Answer :disagree
Some people thinks that trying out several different
occupations before committing to a long-term job is a good idea. However in my opinion, people should commit to a
long-term job without spending times by having experiences on several different
occupations because it will make people become successful professionals faster, and this will be financially helpful to companies.
First, starting a long-term job at the first place will make people successful professionals faster. This is because
it helps people to build professional skills and knowledge. (짧은 시간에도 할 수 있는 부분이므로 왜 '긴 시간 동안 하나의 직업을 가져서 이를 쌓을 수 있는지에 대한 내용을 보충해주세요) For example, my friend, who started a long-term job since she graduated college, worked for a long time and became
professional than anyone in her team. She is still young but quickly
became famous and respected in her field. (successful professional이라는 점 외에 구체적인 직업을 명시하여 어떻게 오랜 시간 하나의 직업을 가져서 professional이 되었는지 (예 - 어린시절부터 미용업에 종사하여 지금은 해당 구역에서 제일 유명하고 미디어의 주목을 받는 헤어스타일리스트가 됨) 구체적으로 작성해주세요.
Second, committing to a long-term job and not trying out several different occupations are financially helpful to companies. This is because workers become more productive as they get used to the job, which makes it possible to save on training costs. Studies (어떤 연구인지 구체적으로 기관명 등을 기술해야 합니다. too general) have shown that staying long in the same company improves companies' efficiency and productivity, leading them to make the company
financial gain.
To sum up, committing to a long-term job without
trying out several different occupations will make people become successful
professionals faster and financially helpful to companies. For these reasons, I believe that starting a
long-term job earlier is a better opinion.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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