▶ Your Answer : Some people say that invention of the Internet has had negative effects on civilization. However, in my opinion, I disagree with them. The reasons that I disagree with the following statement is that in the world we live in, the Internet is indispensible indispensable and useful. First, the Internet has a lot of knowledge and information. I believe knowledge is one of the essential factors of success sucess in this world. Imagine that people only have text book knowledge. tTheir views will be so narrow. However, when they use the Internet, It they can not only gain diverse information but also broaden broden their horizon horizen of the world, because the Internet users inhabit diverse cities city of the world. In addition, a people who have lot of knowledge are is regarded as those a peole with intelligence. lintelligence. Nowadays while others people who lack knowledge or information are simply ignored. If you want to be respected respectded from others, you have to use the Iinternet and get some information. 인터넷이 '문명'에 끼치는 영향을 중심으로 내용을 풀어주세요. 단순히 인터넷을 쓰면 좋은 점을 설명하는 것으로는 주제에 대한 답변이 되기 어렵습니다. Second, the Internet allows a person to get many followers and supporters. suppoter. While using the Internet, you can meet various people unexpectedly. Then you can expand your range of human humen network. In order to succeed, people need huge human humen network. The meaning of success sucess has completely changed compared to the past. If it was merely marely focusing on one's own way and excelling others, now it is different. You should share your capacity. Your own ability is it's crucial to be recognized by others and have followers. In this sense, using the Internet Inernet can be helpful. 마찬가지로 인터넷이 성공에 도움이 되는 이유는 '문명에 미치는 영향'과는 관련이 없습니다. Frankly, The Iinternet has some a little negative effect. Ssuch as violent games, harmful sites and unreliable ingenuine information. They are very attractive. Nonetheless sSome people use the Internet it wisely, and some people use it foolishly. It means that It's mean, the problem depends on who they are! 완전히 새로운 내용에 해당하기 때문에 결룬 문단으로 부적절합니다. 결론 문단에서는 본론의 내용을 갈무리해주는 요소만 넣어야 합니다. Therefore, I disagree that with "Tthe invention of the internet has had negative effects on our civilization."
Comment : 단순히 인터넷에 대해서만 내용을 풀어내면 주제에 대한 답변이 될 수 없습니다. 주제에 반대하는 입장의 글이라면 internet이 문명/사회에 어떻게 긍정적인 영향을 미치고 있는지를 설명해주어야 합니다. 인터넷의 장점을 설명하는 것이 아니라 '우리 문명/사회에 긍정적인 영향을 미친 부분'이 무엇인지 주장을 정하고 그에 맞게 논리를 풀어주세요. 문법오류와 오탈자도 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 교재의 모범답안이나 모델에세이 등을 보면서 어떤 식으로 논리 흐름을 진행하는지 파악하시면 도움이 많이 되니 참고해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |