▶ Your Answer : There is a tendency that high school graduates take a year-long break to work or travel before studying at university. However, in-dept analysis, it is so far-fetched. As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that it is better to study at university right after graduating from high school. This is largely due to the fact that it is too time consuming. Another reason for my opinion is that students have trouble in studying after a year break. First and foremost, a year-long break is not time-effective. To elucidate, university students also can also work or travel without a year break. Not all students take the classes all the time and students can coordinate their schedule because they can choose time and lectures that they want. 대학생도 할 수 있다는 점이 곧 a year break가 시간적으로 비효율적임을 설명해주지는 않습니다. 대학생으로서도 할 수 있는데 굳이 1년 쉬면서 하면 다른 학생들보다 시간을 낭비하는 셈이 된다는 점까지 모두 설명해주어야 해요. For instance, I take all lectures from Monday to Thursday and I travel some other regions from Friday to Sunday. In addition, even if a university students want to work, it is possible to work by taking ㅁ part-time job. If so, students can save their time and graduate a year faster than those who take a year-long break. Moreover, students who take a year-long break have difficulty in studying their majors. Almost Most people are likely to forget the knowledge without studying. What I mean is that without studying, a year is long enough to forgot knowledge. For example, after even six months break, I have difficulty in remembering names of scientists or theories I studied. without studying them. Therefore a year-long vocation is negative for students. In a nutshell, I firmly believe that it is worse for high school graduates to take a year-long break to travel and work before studying at university. This is because it is time consuming and it makes students have difficulty in studying.
Comment : 시간적으로 비효율적이고 학습에 지장이 있다는 주장들은 아주 좋습니다. 다만 아직 논리를 충분히 설명하지 못하는 부분들이 아쉽습니다. 설명 내용이 나의 입장까지 연결되도록 보완하고 사례 내용도 더 구체적으로 제시한다면 훨씬 좋은 점수대의 글이 될 수 있을 것으로 보입니다. 더 내용을 보완해서 글을 다시 써 보셔도 좋을 것 같아요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |