▶ Your Answer :
I think it (Paraphrase the topic) is so debatable this is because opinions concerning this topics can be different relying on individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I firmly support that mobile phones can deprive people of more freedom rather than increase it. First of all, paradoxically, the more often/ frequently openly we use mobile phones, the more likely mobile takes away our freedom intensely our freedom can be constrained. Many people think that if they use their phones more frequently, their lives well be more convenient. Of course their opinions are right to some extent. But if we reflect this issue more carefully, we can find that we lose more than gain from it when what we get to lose are far more than what we gain, in using mobile phones. For example I have a nephew who is a middle school student. he could not have a mobile phone until 15 years old, since their parents thought that mobile phones were useless to him. So he continuously asked their parents to buy it, and at last he received it as a birthday present. But after six months of using it, he regretted to gain it. He said that his life was more strenuous than before. This was because mobile phone came to be a kind of way holing down his life. (What does it mean?) Although he wanted to have his own time alone because of his introvert personality, he cannot. He always received so many messages form friends, teachers and parents, and had to respond to it. What was worse that wherever he goes went, whatever he did, he should report it to their parents, such as what he would do after class, what kind of friend he would meet and whether he finished his homework or not. Once mobile phone was thought to be a useful device, but now it come to be a method that severely restricts his life. Second, the reason why mobile phones constrain our freedom is that they are so addictive. I admit that there are so many merits in using it. But after advent of smartphones, the situation has utterly been changed. we have had a serious problem related to addiction. Many people spend most of their time playing games, chatting on line and posting their photos and videos on social media. (Mention these actions are usually done by using phones.) It is harmful because these things can deprive people of valuable time salient things such as the time to be with their families, to and other important time for study, and to experience something special outdoors, For instance there was a poll by the Korean EAP, (Employee Assistance Program) with current employees as respondents. The purpose of this survey is to find out how much people spend their time using smartphones. What they found was so serious. The In the survey, the majority of respondents said that they spent three to four hours a day. This meant they wasted almost all their time after work. What was more serious was that nearly 30% respondents spent seven to eight hours a day. (for what?) This meant that they used their smartphones in their working and sleeping time. The reasons were obviously concerned with addiction. And smartphones really had a negative impact on their lives. All things considered, it is my belief that my opinion has been efficiently delivered with reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that it has a great impact on our future. 채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | Score | Fair 16-18 | - 두 가지 다른 논지가 설득력이 있었습니다.
- 다만 글에 내용마다 mobile이 중심이 되어 있어야 하며, 의미가 어색한 단어의 사용에 더욱 유의해주셔야 합니다.
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