▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
rapid development has many advantages to affect the society. However, I
disagree with this the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, people get
lots of stress because of the society of quick development. Second, rapid
development is not good for people’s relationships.
First of all, people have a lot of stress
these days for the rapid paced development. To be specific, today, people are living in busy and competitive
society because everything in this society is developing quickly, such as
technology and education. 빠르게 발전하는 것이 '왜' 스트레스를 주는지 설명이 필요합니다. According to the recent survey done by Korean Social Science Research institution of Society, 89% of people said they were depressed and got lots of
stress. In fact, most of them had a busy lifestyle to survive in this society.
Moreover, stress makes people have a bad
relationship with each other. Let me bring my personal experience as an
example. I had a friend named Jonny. He was my best friend and our relationship
was great. One day, the professor gave us an assignment and it was really hard
to get a good score. I was tired of doing to do it so I asked Jonny to give me ask some help.
However, he was also tired and he got a lot of stress because he had to get a
better grade than others, even better than me. So he ignored my ask help and he
yelled at me. In short, our relationship was broken. 스트레스가 관계에 영향을 미친다고 서술하면 '스트레스'가 주제인 글이 되므로 off-topic이 됩니다. 스트레스가 아니라 사회의 빠른 발전이 원인이 되어야 합니다.
To sum up, people get lots of stress and
their relationship is going worse because of the rapid development of the
society. All in all, I firmly disagree with the above statement that rapid
development affects society positively.
Comment : 빠른 사회발전이 '왜' 사람들에게 스트레스를 주는지를 명확히 설명해주어야 합니다. 본론2의 경우 논점이 다른 곳으로 흘러갔기 때문에 감점요인이 클 수 있습니다. 앞의 본론에서 스트레스가 사회의 빠른 발전 때문이라고 말했지만, 스트레스의 원인이 전적으로 빠른 발전에'만' 있는 것이 아니기 때문에 지금 본론2처럼 '스트레스가 사람들의 관계에 악영향을 미친다'라고만 서술하는 것은 off-topic으로 보일 위험이 큽니다. 내용이 주제와 연결될 수 있도록 정리하고 근거 설명을 더 보완해주시면 훨신 좋은 글이 될 것으로 보입니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) |